Sometimes Time Doesn't Heal

I feel like a broken arm at week 5.

And i know exactly what that feels like, too. I've had 4 official broken bones in my lifetime, ranging from ages 1 to 13. #2 broken arm had a hot pink cast just like this one featured on a stranger i've never met before. But whoever this little girl is, we share the fact we had hot pink casts when we were little. The last 2 broken arms i had, i knew it immediately. #3 was while i was at school, during recess playing dodgeball. (A game i still dominate, by the way.) This kid fell on my arm, who later became my first boyfriend ever (go figure), and i immediately went to my teacher and said, "um...my arm is broken." there was no crying, no screaming, as it wasn't necessary. Plus, i had to be tough in front of my class, right? But there's something about pain that accompanies broken bones that is unlike all other body pain. It's breathtakingly painful for the first 30 seconds; then it's dull, throbbing. It pulsates like mad for the first day, like you are feeling every heartbeat in the broken spot...and there's nothing you can do but watch it swell, turn blue and black, and wait out the pain. After that first night, you feel like you're ready to chew off whatever limb (in my case, 3 arms and 1 ankle) you are trying to salvage, because the pain is now so deep, and just...dull. The dull pain is the worst. It never goes away. And sure, you could live off painkillers all day, but that's not going to make it go away. It always comes back. I found out a trick - if you just live with it for a few days or so, sooner or later your body becomes use to it, so you aren't conscious of it as much.
How true that last statement is, I'm not so sure, as it's been quite a while since i've been 13.

Looking back on all the times i've almost died, or experienced "shock" is an interesting excercise. I was trying to remember when the last time something crazy happened to me in that department, and not counting all the near car accidents i've been in, the last time i had a tragic accident was my senior year of high school in my printmaking class. We were cutting up linoleum (pictured), making a design in this 6x6 square. My design was pretty cool i thought - a dragon fly from top view. The prints turned out horrible of course, but the linoleum version was pretty sweet. As i was digging out the linoleum one day, the cutter came flying up and hit my left pointer finger palm side, right across the joint. It definitely killed, but not any different than the other times i'd accidentally scraped my skin a bit. No, this time i looked down and blood was pouring down my hand, all over the table, my print, my jeans. i was like, "whoa!!!" and ran to the sink. i thought it would stop, but the water stayed red for a matter of minutes. My teacher was off somewhere, so i told the TA i was going to the hospital to get stitches. (Another physical disaster i'm no stranger to.) That was a pretty cool day as i got to miss class and all, and my dad came to pick me up as i couldn't drive with my hand in that condition.
Needless to say that was the end of my crew (aka: rowing) career. i got 5 stitches, and passed out while i was getting them. Yes, i have a pretty cool scar. I don't know about you, but i have become the biggest wuss when it comes to blood. The last 2 times i've given blood for doctor reasons, etc. i have passed out and thrown up. They say it's all mental, but i can't accept that.

There are a few reasons why i love the music i do. One of which happens to be because the lyrics really touch me, and right now, I love this song by Jack Johnson called "If I Had Eyes." There's a line that says,

"Sometimes time doesn’t heal
No not at all
It just stands still
While we fall"

And I think i like it because i can't stand it when people tell me "time heals all." Because I, like Jack Johnson apparently, don't believe it. There are some things that will always remain broken. Read the lyrics to the rest of his song and you'll find out one of them. And even though time might have something to do with healing broken bones, it certainly does not assist the 24/7 dull pain that accompanies that stupid broken bone that feels like it will never heal. As a matter of fact, it is only after so long of living with the pain that one day you wake up and realize, "Hey...my arm doesn't hurt."