a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.

My pride took an immediate downward spiral in a matter of 3 hours. I don't really feel comfortable explaining the reasons why (obviously, as it is my pride we're talking about) but i will say i'm grateful for it. i feel like a new woman. i have a rejuvanated spirit about me. i am going to be better than i was before. I mean wow.
i offended someone entirely based on misinterpretation, and i am baffled and rather shocked at that. I can't say it's common for me to experience being misunderstood, even though I know it's inevitable it will happen, but i mean, i just don't understand how i could be misread by such a large margin. i guess what i'm trying to say and not saying very clearly (which is apparently my problem) is that i live in a bubble believing that people understand exactly what i'm saying or doing at all times. i know this is a fallacy in my logic, but i don't think that's going to change. or, at least i didn't think it was going to until after my 3 hours of gaining humility. i hope that now i can be more cautious and open to how i'm coming across. really.

here's some things that i know i do.
1) i'm a chatty person. sometimes that comes across as flirty. sometimes i mean it to come across as flirty, other times i'm just chatty because i'm happy.
2) honestly, i prefer male relationships over female ones. that does not mean i don't have deeply meaningful and wonderful female relationships.
3) my values are in flux. i am more strict with myself at some things during certain times. weird, i know. and this isn't a conscious thing. i have just recently recognized this pattern in my life. and i think it might offend people. thus the reason i'm posting this.
4) i procrastinate and do things that are openly contradictory. this is perhaps the most conscious thing on this list. examples are the best way to explain.
a) i have to study math for the GRE. i hate math. thus, i know i won't study it. so, i am the kind of person who needs a tutor. i don't know what it is, but if i have someone else in the room with me, discussing problems, etc. telling me i have 15 min before i can quit, i am most likely going to be motivated and successful. now, this seems odd considering i know that the tutor doesn't necessarily need to be there. the answers are right there. but, i just need someone to make me feel responsible. and yes, i guess that is a weakness of mine. but at least i know what it is and i am trying to get around it. it's really hard for me to feel responsible to learn math when i can justify not learning it for a list of reasons. anyway.
b) i need a reason to wake me up in the mornings. otherwise, there is nothing that will get me out of bed before 10. i don't understand it, and quite frankly it's slightly embarrassing, but if i don't have a job that will fire me if i don't show up, i will not wake up. not for class, not for a date, not for mostly anything. i am amazed i get up for church meetings on sunday that start at 9. i wake up at 7 every sunday! it's amazing to me. but monday-saturday, i'm out.
so as you can see, all of these deal with responsibility. and i know i could change the root problem of accepting responsibility, which would then allow me to not waste time coming up with ways to make me do stuff, but i have not been successful at all in doing so. moral of the story: do what you have to do to make it work.

also, i'm 22 now.