"i just wanna be ok today..." - ingrid michaelson

my life dream is on the line. i spent my evening trying to have an enjoyable shakespeare reading of twelfth night and texting/calling people like mad trying to find a pair of skiis and boots to take to my SKI INSTRUCTOR TRYOUTS TOMORROW. UGH.

i gave up. and so tomorrow i'll be calling them before i drive up there, begging them to let me rent some. i want to wear that uniform so bad. *sigh* i don't know, i guess it wasn't meant to be.


it wasn't meant to be.

if you know me at all, you'd know that's the tagline to my life.

also, i don't know why i let some things bother me so much. horomones really do affect what bothers me and what doesn't. the chemical reactions going on in my body shock me sometimes.

halloween, pilgrims, and indians, Oh My!

i have embraced the christmas spirit!! it's true - i have skipped thanksgiving for the first time ever, just like the rest of the world has been wanting me to do the last 5 years of my life. seriously, has anyone else noticed how christmas decorations come out in stores sooner and sooner? this year, it was right before halloween!! i was shopping for last minute halloween candy, and as i was grabbing a bag of finely wrapped snickers bars and kit kats wrappe in orange and spiders, the lady was replacing it with red and green m&m bags with snowflakes. unbelievable. thanksgiving is just a nice big dinner that kicks off the christmas season. doesn't anyone have respect for the pilgrims and indians anymore?

so like i said, i watched Elf last night. and honestly by the end of the movie, all i wanted to do was cut out paper snowflakes, sing christmas songs and wear an elf costume. and you know what, i can't do it anymore. i can only kick against the pricks for so long. today at target, heather and i bought christmas pajamas. it's no elf costume, but the striped red and white knee socks certainly help with the look. and we also jammed to christmas songs on the way home. i still have yet to make paper snowflakes, which by the way, haven't done since probably early grade school.

Random:
1) Hardball's big # tonight was missouri's last time they picked the losing presidential candidate: 1956. apparently they got it wrong on nov 4. and had to recount. go figure.
2) one of these days, i am going to call the provo "singles" hotline they advertise only after 11 pm. all those hot people on tv do it, why can't i ?

so i think i'm going to write out my christmas wish list:
skiis/boots/poles/skull candy (!)
hannah montana's death
shaving cream wrestling match
dvd player
legit tea party
my own tv show
new laptop
a pony. like this one.

gift cards from the following places:
-nordstrom
-banana repubic
-zumiez/DP
-buckle
-los hermanos
-ruby river

yeah that's good.

BSA

I also love this song. Oh Rilo Kiley, you hold my heart: i want your voice.
and here is my special tribute to rod stewart, who i never thought would deserve a tribute pour moi. but here i am, loving this song as well. i listen to it about 5 times a day (ever since Collin introduced it to me, that is.)

in other news, i finally watched Elf for the first time. t'was good. had many a good line.

something i learned today is that banana splits are not the only things that make me happy. in fact, learning new vocabulary while doing a service (freerice.com), catching up with old friends, and cuddling are just a few on the list. i know i have to change my cognition, as i had a relapse of banana splits this week - 3 total - and this is sort of my "BS Anonymous" statement.

no pun intended. :)

Cabooses

I'm taking creative writing in the winter, and i should probably start practicing. and now that i've created expectations, i am going to dash your hopes to pieces. (glen was kind enough to introduce me to a website of creative nonfiction, my personal favorite. and now i will be so kind as to introduce it to you.)

so, lately i've been noticing how some guys have better looking butts than i do. i'm pretty sure in the gender rules handbook it says that girls must have better butts than boys, and yes, i feel as if i'm violating the rule. let me just give you some examples of people i know.Is it just me or do these 2 men have finely shaped backsides? don't call me lusty, becuase i'm not in any way, but i will openly admit that yes, they do take care of their bodies, and i am sensitive to what is attractive and what is not. which makes me reflect on how i'm definitely not taking care of my body. blast! so well done, gentlemen, for giving me that gentle (or not so gentle) reminder of how i should be working out on a regular basis. (yes, i did take the second picture. wait, tresa did. good ol' nate.)

"I only want to make you happy..." - Nada Surf

i love the sneaker pimps. they are such a rockin' band. this is my favorite song. i will have you know that first, it is a crappy video. so just listen and don't let your eyes influence your ears. i first discovered them while watching one of my favorite movies - can't hardly wait. seth green did such an amazing job. my life is qualitatively better because of that movie. (new favorite phrase, by the way.)

today i was going to get a snack from the vending machine, which i should mention i just rediscovered - somehow vending machines and i lose contact with each other, but then make a reunion sometimes during the middle of the semester. it's kind of like that boy you always thought you'd date but never do, and then consider it the few times you hang out, here and there. you're not best friends, you're not that interested...so he just gets lost in the mix of things, which is exactly my relationship with vending machines. we like each other, but we're just not committed. so as i was going to get my snack, i was reminded of this story i read on this girl's blog once. she said that for a class assignment she had to do something nice for stranger. she decided she would buy someone a drink from a vending machine. however, she was so nervous about approaching them that she couldn't do it. so, instead she put money in the vending machine and left it, hoping someone would notice there was already money, get excited and buy a drink. she sat across the hall some so she could watch to see who her lucky victim would be. after 3 people not seeing her anonymous gift, she was a little frustrated and was about to take the money back. then, a gentleman came and analyzed the drink machine and the rest of the machines deciding what he wanted. he then pushed the coin return button on all of them and took the change, including hers.

today, there was no change in the machines. i got an Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate muffin. i can't NOT get the spunkmeyer if it's available. it's always moist, and melts in my mouth, and...chocolatety goodness. mmmm. my favorite. :)

a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.

My pride took an immediate downward spiral in a matter of 3 hours. I don't really feel comfortable explaining the reasons why (obviously, as it is my pride we're talking about) but i will say i'm grateful for it. i feel like a new woman. i have a rejuvanated spirit about me. i am going to be better than i was before. I mean wow.
i offended someone entirely based on misinterpretation, and i am baffled and rather shocked at that. I can't say it's common for me to experience being misunderstood, even though I know it's inevitable it will happen, but i mean, i just don't understand how i could be misread by such a large margin. i guess what i'm trying to say and not saying very clearly (which is apparently my problem) is that i live in a bubble believing that people understand exactly what i'm saying or doing at all times. i know this is a fallacy in my logic, but i don't think that's going to change. or, at least i didn't think it was going to until after my 3 hours of gaining humility. i hope that now i can be more cautious and open to how i'm coming across. really.

here's some things that i know i do.
1) i'm a chatty person. sometimes that comes across as flirty. sometimes i mean it to come across as flirty, other times i'm just chatty because i'm happy.
2) honestly, i prefer male relationships over female ones. that does not mean i don't have deeply meaningful and wonderful female relationships.
3) my values are in flux. i am more strict with myself at some things during certain times. weird, i know. and this isn't a conscious thing. i have just recently recognized this pattern in my life. and i think it might offend people. thus the reason i'm posting this.
4) i procrastinate and do things that are openly contradictory. this is perhaps the most conscious thing on this list. examples are the best way to explain.
a) i have to study math for the GRE. i hate math. thus, i know i won't study it. so, i am the kind of person who needs a tutor. i don't know what it is, but if i have someone else in the room with me, discussing problems, etc. telling me i have 15 min before i can quit, i am most likely going to be motivated and successful. now, this seems odd considering i know that the tutor doesn't necessarily need to be there. the answers are right there. but, i just need someone to make me feel responsible. and yes, i guess that is a weakness of mine. but at least i know what it is and i am trying to get around it. it's really hard for me to feel responsible to learn math when i can justify not learning it for a list of reasons. anyway.
b) i need a reason to wake me up in the mornings. otherwise, there is nothing that will get me out of bed before 10. i don't understand it, and quite frankly it's slightly embarrassing, but if i don't have a job that will fire me if i don't show up, i will not wake up. not for class, not for a date, not for mostly anything. i am amazed i get up for church meetings on sunday that start at 9. i wake up at 7 every sunday! it's amazing to me. but monday-saturday, i'm out.
so as you can see, all of these deal with responsibility. and i know i could change the root problem of accepting responsibility, which would then allow me to not waste time coming up with ways to make me do stuff, but i have not been successful at all in doing so. moral of the story: do what you have to do to make it work.

also, i'm 22 now.